Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

The Friday File.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

I think this cat is broken

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.