Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Whisper out to librarians!

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”