I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
the Monday after daylight savings
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*