I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Never be a pizza!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.