I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My dating profile:
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.