Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Netflix: We have Less

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Banking tips

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

When you’re Kinky but poor

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]