I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.