Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

This poor dog

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…