I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Saturday
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?