Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.