hey, alexa
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
oh my god
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Hmmmmm
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know