Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.