I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.