I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If looks could kill