Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Star Wars day!

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

sweet dreams💖

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.