I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Is your wife single?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
