I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
mood
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain