I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here