I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You Might Also Like
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.