I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
You Might Also Like
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
was Jim off killing horses or…
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The United Steaks of America
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
bros in the example zone 😭
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.