Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?