I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
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Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Breaking news:
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Saturday
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
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