I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
You Might Also Like
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I would like even faster food.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry