Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down