I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
He instantly became one of the bros
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.