Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

weddings should have a worst man

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

selfie game

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?