Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.