I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Sunday
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
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A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.