I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
こいつ天才
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
