Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.