Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Twitter is an abusement park.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket