I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

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Aquaman: Come on in the water is great.

Ironman: Sorry dude I have rust issues.


Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.


Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.


Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?


I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.