I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.