I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Good morning y’all ☀️
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?