I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀