Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
wtf is an acronym
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
fly smarter, not harder
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”