Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

It be like that sometimes 😆

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.