Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Swedish for common sense.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

He has no idea 🤡

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

☠️ ☠️

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.