I got bills
They’re multiplying
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?