I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂