I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Some people were born into their job.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
my one true gender
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.