Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.