I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb