I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
welp
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
moms in horror movies
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.