I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
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Taliband
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
May have had one breakfast too many
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me