Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

🪶

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.