I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.