Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

see something (a little dog on a walk) say something (“why hello to you little sir”)

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…