Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.