Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Need this in my life lol

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

sensitive skin

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

There are usually two types of merchants.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”