I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
whatcha thinkin bout
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Passwords are more important than ever.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”