I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
the council will decide your fate
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.