I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.