I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I just love that new Pope smell.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.