I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Breaking news:
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school