I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”