Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I put the mess in domestic.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

hmm conte-me mais

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I hate my earbuds.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.