Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.