I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next