I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
We will use anything but the metric system
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?