Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

Oceanography is all about current events

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.