Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse