I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
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Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
in the ocean
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve