Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.