Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Proctologist = Analyst

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Rude much 😂😂😂

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then