Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.