Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

out-housing market appears to be strong

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago