Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?