Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?