I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I enjoy a good short stor
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*