I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
seems like a niche market
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers