Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?