Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.