I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately